No, I do not want to star in your B-grade porno!

Every once in a while, an email would appear in my inbox, headlined by subjects such as “Grow another inch” or “Viagra for sustainability”. Such spammages are easy to detect, and they invariably end up in my trash folder without ever being opened.

A couple of days ago, I received an email forwarded from a legitimate source. It was a casting advertisementfor two roles in an independent short film directed by (presumably) a student. The roles were to be filled by an Asian manand an Asian woman. (The director was pretty specific about that.) The body of the email seemed perfectly legit,which I suppose was why the dude forwarded to all the ROCSA (Republic of China’s Student Association) members in the first place. The attached script, on the other hand, was abit more suspect.

Here’s an extract from Act Two: Scene One:

We hear sounds of laughter and happiness. We see the couple enter the front door. They drop groceries, kiss each other. We follow them to the bedroom (We stop at the door). Clothes fall on floor in frame.

Woman: “Are you going to help me with these or are you just going to stand there looking pretty?”

Man: “The latter.”

Woman: “Well, you won’t get any nookie unless you help.”

Man: “Is that a threat or a promise?”

Woman: (laughs) “Both.”

Man helps her get groceries into house but his “help” is more of a hindrance because while she’s trying to unpack, he’s sidling up behind her, squeezing various parts of her body and rubbing himself againsther.

Woman: “Cut it out, I have to get the milk in the fridge.”

Man: (nibbles her ear) “I can think of something cold that needs warming up.”

Woman: “You’re impossible!” (she clearly likes the attentionand is pretending her annoyance)

Man: “I’ve got some meat…”

Woman: “Well, in that case.” (she squirms when she tickles him)

Man: (Pulls her to the bedroom) “Me, Tarzan, you Jane.”

Woman: “More like the bogeyman! Ouch!” (she twists out ofhis grip to dash for the bedroom)

Man: (growls and blocks her passage to the bedroom,smothering her in kisses) “What’s the secret password?”

Woman: “I thought you were the one who was so eager?”

Man: “Oh, I am, but I’ve got something extra special for youbut I wanna hear you beg.”

Woman: (implied that she’s grabbed his crotch) “You call THAT special?”

Man: (Momentary look of shock then his look grows serious)“Careful with the goods, you don’t know what you’re handling there.”

Woman: “I know perfectly well what I’ve got in my hand.(They kiss pull back to look at each other and they’ve gone from playful tolustful) “Mmm, I think I want some of that.”

Man: “Then quit talking and kiss me.”

Woman: (pushes man back into bedroom and falls upon him onthe bed, her hands over his chest while she hungrily kisses his face and worksher way down) “You like it rough?”

Man: (twists around to dominate her, pinning her to the bed)“Not so helpless now.”

Woman: (she appears to want to say something but he silencesher with a kiss. It’s implied that his hand has gone to her crotch and when hestops kissing her she groans)

Man: “You want?”

Woman: “Yes!”

Lol! I think the irony of it all is that I responded to this email (before I read the script), and I eagarly told the guy that I would like to audition for the role, and even enquired about the fee!