When Optimism is diffused and Life is a mess
When the Spirit is dampened and the Soul is in distress
When Night conspires to keep Dawn out of reach
There will be no more vacations on the beach.
Rising bubbles of Suffocation in my chest
Up and down a rollercoaster nest
I try to seize Control – Control eludes me
Instead, it precipitates Insecurity.
Bad things happen, it is pointless to dwell
But Logic does not dictate what the Heart compels
This feeling of Sadness strongly overwhelms
If only I could escape to a magical realm
Where Reality is not compounded with Regret
Where the scales don’t tip to the side of Debt
Where I can see my reflection and smile
And for once, be happy, just for a little while.
What once was green
Is now brown
What once had leaves
Now scattered to the ground
The bitter wind
And blackened frost
Your gentle name
Is somehow lost.
What once brought laughter
Now laughs no more
What comes hereafter
Remains to be explored
Fragments of my mind
In time falls apart
The memories left behind
Just an imprint on my heart.
What once was strong
Is now weak
I try my hardest
But end with a losing streak
What once brought light
Is now filled with darkness
What once was whole
Is now in a million little pieces.
I never realised how hard this would be
What comes naturally to others is a stumbling block for me
I watch them move with such ease
Like performers on a flying trapeze
But every time I try, I don’t succeed.
Whose fault it is, I’m never so sure
I wish and pray there might be a cure
To rid my bad fortune and give me a chance
To prove myself worthy of a real romance
But instead, loneliness I endure.
I’ve tried to be naughty, I’ve tried nice
I’ve danced with fire and drunk with ice
It wasn’t enough; I was one step behind
Moving backward, my love’s in rewind
I’ve done my best and it didn’t suffice.
Time is nobody’s fool – the joke will be on me
If I surrender to my Insecurity
Where to from here? I do not know
Can’t suppress the feeling of vertigo
I’m scared, you see, of injury.
I listen to the sound of Silence
Scream inside my head
Faulty wires spark,
Cutting at life’s thin thread
A broken fuse ignites
The hatred within my soul
And in the darkness of the night
My hunger embraces the Cold.
Towards the threshold of Insanity,
I’m slowly decomposing…
No longer my own referee.
Staring into the eyes of deceit
I see Loneliness’s reflection,
Clouded by a green-eyed Jealousy,
Bring Love’s sweet extinction.
//I just feel like sharing this, so here it is. Even though the subject is a girl, I swear I have no lesbian tendencies! I can’t even remember why I wrote this in the first place =/ It was *ages* ago.
If stars could tender speak,
Your name they’d softly call
Their voices nectar sweet,
Their passion pure and raw.
Leaving the Night behind,
From skies they’d gladly fall
One by two by three,
Gathering at your door.
Against your charms
The Moon hides itself in shame
For even the greatest
Will have nothing to proclaim.
As time unwinds
More bodies you inflame,
A touch of your sweet lips
And the whisper of your name.
All the Kings’ jewels cannot replace
The magic sparkle in your eyes.
Like a rainbow
They have the power to mesmerize.
So delicate and soft
You move with the grace of a butterfly –
Beyond the boundaries,
Gravity, you’re able to defy.
Your infinite allure
Cannot wither or stale.
Jealous be to the Gods
For their beauty you make pale.
Towards your horizon
Men hopelessly sail,
If only to catch a glimpse
Of your heavenly detail.
Even Angels would
Have their celestial wings torn,
To be fallen from Grace
And upon the earth reborn.
Uncaring of God’s wrath
Or Devil’s horn
They just want to be at your side,
Mere mortals cannot withstand
The forces of your power.
You, who can seize the world in a hand
And change infinity to an hour.
I can’t believe the holidays are over. I definitely miss the undergrad days where we would get 5 weeks’ of relaxation instead of a measly two. I’m back in Cape Town – just in time for the crappy weather to overwhelm my sunny disposition. My flatmates have gone out, so I’m stuck in the flat all by myself eating a not-so-appetizing Woolies meal. It’s times like this where I wish I still lived at home where I have two devoted parents catering for my needs. I guess we all have to grow up at some point in our lives.
I didn’t do so well in my July tests. I passed everything by the skin of my teeth – and while I’m still above class average, the margin of safety is minimal. (Plus, I’m somewhat convinced that my year is full of retards so being above class average really isn’t that big of an achievement.) The next three months is crucial – I really have to pull up my socks in order to avoid disappointing my parents and myself. I’ve done quite a bit of introspection during the holidays, and came to the conclusion that I need to do something about my internet addiction. I reckon I waste about a third to half of my day idling in front of a PC – being unproductive. It explains why my marks have deteriorated since highschool. (Back then, I had a very shoddy dial-up connection and I could only surf the net after 7pm.)
To illustrate, I’ve written a little poem – Definitely not my best work, but it’s pretty close to heart.
I used to strive for perfection, but soon realised
It was nothing but a distant dream.
Now laziness has become
My overriding theme.
The things I ought to do right now
Are left for another day;
Even as I tell myself:
“I shall no longer procrastinate”.
Distractions dazzle dangerously –
Though none is worthy of my time.
I succumb to them in any case,
Waste precious moments of my prime.
Every once in a while,
I look back and reminisce
The days where I could look in the mirror
And not be confronted by a total mess.
Is it too late for change?
Is this truly the last straw?
My inspiration is dwindling,
My purpose, I’m unable to recall.
All that’s left is this pressure
Weighing on top of me
I wish someone would take it off
So I could end this soliloquy.
Anyways, I really hope I can concentrate enough to pass the year. *fingers crossed*
The clock ticks as grief binds with thy despair
Amongst the shadows, scattered breaths hold still
Waiting patiently for Death to declare
A cease to this quivering midnight chill.
Through the passing of time, memories will fade
Sharp stabbings of pain will dull to an ache
The future is fixed, Destiny is made
What’s dead, is dead; its Death cannot awake.
So wipe the sorrow running down your face
Like tears of acid – feeding off your soul
Robbing you of Love’s eternal embrace
Replacing your heart with a blackened hole.
Bells in heaven sound, angels are singing;
Preparing for your eternal dreaming.
Exams are coming up pretty soon so I won’t have time to write much. (Well, actually they are still a month and a half away but it feels like they are just around the corner!) Instead of putting the blog on hiatus, I thought I’d post some of the poems I had written in the past. This one’s titled: The Real Me
If you really knew me, you would know
That the smile I have is just for show.
Plastered on a porcelain face,
Is a facade none could ever trace.
If you really heard me, you would hear
The hidden thoughts, the untold fears.
And how I wish your hand would
Brush away my invisible tears.
If you really saw me, you would see
That underneath the surface
Lies a temper more tempestuous
Than a lover’s green-eyed jealousy.
If you really felt me, you would feel
A touch of more than what is real.
I’ve an emptiness only you can fill,
But you never do, and you never will.
Every weekday at 4pm, I gravitate
Toward my usual place. Ignoring the chit-chat,
My eyes sweep across the hall and hesitate
On a mop of blonde and two pools of grey.
Mesmerized, unable to pull away,
I’m drawn like moths to a dancing flame.
Please don’t notice my staring, I silently pray.
It’s rude, I know, I can’t help but feel this way.
Desperate for distraction, I diddle my gaze downward
At the pile of scrawly notes; but instead, I just see
His beautiful face brushing against the calligraphy.
And there he is again… not noticing me.
The clock strikes quarter to six
He’s always one of the first to leave.
Before I could get his attention, he was gone.
And it takes me a moment
To realize: He will never notice me.
Straight backed, shoulders rigid, eyes cold as steel.
Head raised sky high, your gaze sweep across the floor –
Seeking out victims is what you adore.
For a cold-hearted mistress, evil is your appeal.
Like a conductor, you expect others to follow
Your rhythm and command; but it’s out of key.
Degraded to a whine, a broken harmony –
Chaos is your bloodline and misery’s what you know.
A loud screech and a firework of childish insults
Escape your lips for hours and hours, nonstop –
Raging unheeded like a bull in a china shop,
How do you even consider yourself an adult?
Old and weathered, frown lines canvas a face
Once beautiful, once gentle; but no more.
Happiness abandoned your side a decade before –
All that is left now is a basket case.
Half a century in, you’ve a long way to go.
Time’s not a fool – it won’t at your instance bend.
So start altering your variety, I recommend,
And relinquish your solitary show.