Story of two friends (as told by C.)

|| “’You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk. ‘Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.”||

We have all had our moments of drunken insanity. Binge drinking until 2 am, chundering outside The Roof and eventually passing out on the cold linoleum floor is all too familiar a routine for some of us. Such stories no longer faze me. In fact, if someone had to tell me he threw up chunks of lamb in his sleep, I would have looked at him with blasé indifference and told him to get back to me with something better. Thursday night, however, was a series of continued moments of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. What happened that night was so mindblowingly insane, I’m still struggling to believe that it actually happened.

(I was not present when the incidents occurred, so I am relaying all this information as told to me by C. And for anonymity purposes, we shall call the instigators Cory and Jay.)

The night started off pretty tame with a couple of rounds of drinking poker. It has been a pre-drink tradition for as long as I can remember — a cheap and fun way to get drunk, fast. So before the group had even left C’s house, a couple of the notable members were already smashed. The situation was made worse at Gandalf’s where everyone drowned themselves in free booze. Cory, in his infinite wisdom, decided that the bathroom (which was a mere 10 metres away) was too far, so he unzipped his pants, and pissed into the air-vent next to the bar. The girl who was standing beside him did not look impressed, and neither did R. who slowly eased away and pretended not to know Cory.

But this was just the icing on the cake. As everyone was on their way back to C’s house, Cory and Jay decided to head back to Gandalf’s to get Jay’s car which incidentally was parked outside C’s house. Cory and Jay walked up to a car that somewhat resembled theirs and tried to open it with Jay’s house key. After 20 minutes of trying, the bouncer eventually approached them and said something to the effect of, “Hey, you can’t open a car door with a house key man.” Jay refused to listen of course, and in his inebriated state, he somehow managed to convince the idiot bouncer that it was indeed his car, and that the bouncer should break the window so that he could get in. And the bouncer obliged…

Two seconds later, a girl came over screaming at the top of her lungs, “WTF is going on?!!?!” At which point, Jay and Cory simply walked away, and left the bouncer to deal with the girl and the big hole in her car. They walked back to C’s house and again, attempted to open the front door with Jay’s house key. Eventually, the lack of success angered Cory so much that he took Jay’s house keys and threw them (somewhere). The keys were never found. The failure of plan A effected plan B, which was to climb over the wall – a feat possible only when one is drunk (it has been tried and tested). When they finally made it into the house, instead of sleeping over, they decided to drive home. So they got S’s copy of keys to let themselves out the house. They left, leaving the house door wide open, and the key still in the keyhole. (Note: The house was situated in one of the dodgiest areas whereby if a car was parked outside, its tyres had a 50% chance of turning into bricks the following day.)

Jay, with his superb driving skills, made it all the way from Obs to Liesbeeck Gardens before he turned too sharply around a corner and mounted the curb. He then tried to put the gear into reverse, but couldn’t. He kept on shifting it into 4th gear, so his car went further forward each time. Then, all of a sudden, a policeman appeared next to him and was knocking on the window. He asked if they were drunk, to which they replied with a rather slurred “Noooo”. The policeman noted that the two were clearly too drunk to drive, so he got in the car and drove them to their flat, and left without charging anyone.

Moral of the story: Don’t drink and drive!! Or if you do, then hope for a nice policeman who will drive you home.

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